Who's Your Daddy?
by 3VAD127
Summary: Cowritten by Kiminator Mark XII. WARNING: Completely stupid with some characters OOC! :B Basically, Sokka 'n Zuko have to work together when they find a platypus bear cub in the woods. ZukoxSokka friendship, all canon pairings. OMG, it's finally COMPLETE!
1. Who's Your Daddy?

**Disclaimer:** (insert standard disclaimer here)

_3VAD:_ (sigh) Do we gotta?

_Nick: _Yes!!

_KMXII:_ Fiine. Avatar: The Last Airbender and all other awesomeness related to it belong to Nick. Not us.

_3VAD:_ Unfortunately…

_KMXII:_ Sí.

_3VAD:_ Now, on WITH THE SHOW!!!11!!

**Authors' Notes:** WAIT! Don't forget the Authors' Notes!!

_3VAD:_ OK, so this is our first collaborative story. Kiminator and I couldn't decide where to put this story, so I took it in and posted it under my name. However, we're gonna switch, so the next co-op work we do will be posted at Kiminator's profile. Coolness? Oh, and keep being awesome. Reviews are welcome (we swear to reply), and be nice. We love constructive criticism…

_KMXII:_ …and COOKIES!!!

_3VAD:_ Yes, Kiminator. And cookies.

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Who's Your Daddy? 

Co-authored by: Kiminator Mark XII

Co-authored by: 3VAD127

Zuko was feeling very fruity today. Very, very fruity indeed. So, in all his awesome fruity-ness, he decided to embark on an epic quest across the vastness of the forest… to find firewood. Because apparently the Avatar in all his glowy, almighty glory couldn't handle it on his own. Yeesh.

His light footsteps crackled along the dirt path as he stepped on a few dried up leaves. It was a nice day, actually. The wind was blowing, the sun was shining, nothing had been completely destroyed yet…

"SNEAK ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!"

Zuko calmly held up his free arm, and Sokka slammed into his hand. The Water Tribe warrior lay on the ground, moaning.

"What was that for?!?"

"You were the one stupid enough to try and jump me."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Yes you are."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah, just ask Toph."

"OK… wait THAT'S NOT FAIR!!"

The Fire Prince laughed and continued picking up firewood. Sokka got up and rubbed his manly man-hair, which was conveniently pulled back into a warrior's wolf tail.

"Dude, what's up with your hair?"

"Dude, what's up with your _face_?"

"… It's called a 'scar,' OK Sokka? Say it with me…"

"Shut up."

"Make me."

"Your mom."

Zuko rolled his amber eyes. "You are_ so_ immature."

"You _so_ sound like my sister."

Zuko turned his back to Sokka. "Idiot."

"… Hey, I resent that!"

The Firebender laughed. "That took you a while."

Sokka's face turned red. He muttered something about meat and walked off. A few short minutes later…

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!11!!"

Zuko dropped his sticks and ran over to Sokka. "What's wrong?"

"That's wrong!" He pointed from where he was courageously hiding behind a tree—it was a little platypus bear cub.

Zuko's eyes got huge. "Awwww, it's so—!"

Sokka stared at him.

"Ahem… I mean, looks like dinner… hehe, yeah…"

"OF COURSE it does!!" He pulled out his Water Tribe machete, which somehow managed to stay with him all throughout Seasons 2 and 3 when it mysteriously disappeared. He put a tanned finger up to his lips. "Now be quiet, Zuzu, and you won't scare it away…"

"…"

"…"

"**ZUZU?!?!** WHAT IN THE FREAKING…!!!!!"

"Ssssshhhzzzzsshh!"

"… What?"

"You know, 'Ssssshhhzzzzsshh!' It's what you say when—"

"I KNOW WHAT IT—!!!!!!!"

"Zuko!" Sokka was yelling by now.

"What?!"

He pointed to the empty bush. "Where's our dinner?"

Zuko looked around. "Gah!" The platypus cub was not five feet away, staring at him intently. It walked over to him and curled up in his lap, purring loudly.

"Dude," Sokka whispered, "since when did platypus bears purr like that?"

"Since your mom."

"That's not even how you _**use**_ that!!"

"Dude, stop yelling! You're gonna scare him away."

Sokka crossed his arms. "Oh, so it's a 'him' now… Wait, how do you even KNOW that?"

"…"

"…"

"I'm just pretty sure, OK?"

Sokka grabbed "him" from Zuko and held him up. "Awww, he's so cute! He reminds me of Fufu Cuddlypoops—"

"Who the…? NO. No, you know what? I do **not** want to know."

Sokka grinned stupidly. "I think I will name you… Carl!"

"Carl?"

"Yes…" Sokka got defensive. "What's wrong with Carl?"

Zuko shrugged. "It's not very manly."

"Are you saying I can't be manly?!"

"No, I said you can't name things in a _**manly fashion**_…"

"Yeah, but you were thinking it!!"

"How do you know what I was thinking, Sokka?"

"'Cause I'm _psychic_."

"Yeah… and my sister isn't a crazy lightning-bending freak of nature bent on world conquest…" Zuko looked at the platypus bear. "…But we still don't know what to name him."

"(cough)Carl(cough)"

"No, we are NOT naming him **CARL!!**"

"Oh-kaaaay… how about Sponcho!"

Zuko stared at him.

_SMACK!!_

"Dude, what the crap?"

"**Sponcho?!**" Zuko paused and glared suspiciously. "Were you drinking cactus juice again?"

"NO!"

Carl/Sponcho meowed and crawled up Sokka's shirt. He paused on his shoulders, then plopped himself down on Sokka's head.

"Aww, man… It took me four hours to do my hair this morning."

Zuko found he was doing a lot of staring lately. "Wait, did that platypus bear just meow?"

Sokka giggled. "Now who's on the cactus juice?"

Zuko glare. "Peasant."

"Jerkwad."

"Meathead."

"Fire pants!"

"…"

"So can I keep him?"

Zuko looked around. "Why are you asking me?"

"You're his mommy."

"What?! No I'm not!"

"Uh, yeah you are. If I'm his daddy, that makes you his mommy!" Carl/Sponcho/Sokka Jr. purred loudly again.

"Why am _I_ his mommy? Why can't I be the daddy?!"

"Daddies don't have boobs."

"I'm sorry, _**WHAT?!?!**_"

A moment of silence.

Then Zuko said, "I thought _you_ wanted to be the daddy."

Sokka was ready for this. "Dude, where'd you get those comebacks, Wal-Mart?"

"What in the world is Wal-Mart?"

"I have no idea. But you got 'em there!!"

"You are such a peasant! My dead _grandmother_ has better comebacks than you!"

"I bet she got them at Wal-Mart…"

"Shut _up_, Sokka!"

"Shut _up_, Zuko!"

"Stop copying me!"

"Stop copying me!"

"SHUT UP!!"

"… Shut don't go up, Zuko."

Zuko's eye twitched. Then he burst into flames and screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Sponcho! Cover your eyes!!" Sokka held the platypus bear away from his mommy.

(**A/N:** _KMXII_: (slap!) I resent you for that.

_3VAD:_ Dude, I was just playin'! You know Zuko's my man.

_KMXII:_ No, Zuko is _Mai's_ man. You, on the other hand, have this freakish obsession with Sokka… which I don't get…

_3VAD:_ I DO NOT HAVE A FREAKISH OBSESSION, OK?!?!

_KMXII:_ …

_3VAD:_ It's a healthy… admirance… for him…

_KMXII:_ (rubs forehead painfully) Just… finish the story, OK?)

Anyway, back in the Avatar world…

Zuko had finally calmed down enough to go from a glaring explosion to a blazing inferno. "Well, looks like he's coming around," Sokka said to Sponcho. Sponcho purred and licked Sokka. "Aww! He knows who his daddy is!"

"You mean, he knows who his mommy is."

"Shut up, Zuko, nobody asked _**you!!**_"

The Firebender gasped and wrenched Sponcho away from Sokka. "Sokka! Watch your language! You're a bad influence on poor Sponcho."

Sokka grinned evilly. "Yes… I guess _Mommy_ knows best. Better listen to your _mother_, Sponcho."

Zuko fumed. "What the French toast?! We've been yelling 'Shut up!' at each other for the past like, 20 minutes!"

"That doesn't make it right, Zuzu." Sokka wagged his finger.

"Stop _calling __**me that!!!**_"

Aang walked in. "Hey Sokka, Zuko, what's taking so long?"

"AANG!" They shouted together. "Tell Sokka/Zuko _I'm_ the father!!!" Aang blinked. And turned around. And walked away.

"He's not coming back, is he?"

Zuko smacked the warrior on the head. "Nice going, Meathead. You scared away the _friggin' __**Avatar!!**_ Do you know what it takes to do that?"

"Zuko, you've got to start taking more responsibilities. If we want to get this relationship to work—"

"WHAT RELATIONSHIP?!?!"

"—then we must agree on everything… especially where we stand in said relationship."

Zuko almost caught himself on fire again, but had the presence of mind to take a calming look around. All of a sudden, he was gripped with a horrifying question. "Sokka, where's Sponcho?"


	2. Where's Sponcho?

**Disclaimer:** See previous chappie. I really don't wanna take the time to write all this.

**Authors' Notes:** Yaay!! Thanks to all who reviewed chapter 1!

_KMXII:_ Cookies to you!!!

_3VAD:_ Yes, very much. And we apologize profusely for the stupidly insane delay. My schedule and Kiminator's has been waay funky; and then she had to go and get _sick_ on me…

_KMXII:_ Sorry. )':

_3VAD:_ I forgive you. And now, here are the people that deserve cookies: CrazyInSye, clairelovesedward, writteninchocolate, Serodezha, iamtheblindbandit, RueBroadway, maikoxshipper, TKDshadow, and Anonymous. Thanks all to you!

_KMXII:_ We (heart) u!

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Where's Sponcho? 

Co-authored by: 3VAD127

Co-authored by: Kiminator Mark XII

**Previously…**

_All of a sudden, Zuko was gripped with a horrifying question. "Sokka, where's Sponcho?"_

----------

Sokka stared at Zuko. Zuko stared at Sokka. Sokka and Zuko stared at each other.

"…I'm sorry, Jerkbender, I think I heard you wrong. Were you implying you _lost OUR CHILD_"

"_I_ lost our child?! YOU'RE the one that was supposed to be watching him!!"

"Hello? YOU wanted to be the daddy so bad; it was YOUR job to look over him!"

"Oh, so now it's all _my_ fault?!"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"ISAIDYESYOUFREAKISH(**content too graphic for "T" rating**)!!!!!!!!11!1!!!1"

"Shut up, Sokka!" Zuko started. He held up his hands. "Here; I found him. Stop yelling at me."

"…"

"Oh… my freaking tacos, what _NOW?!_"

"Zuko. Your. Hands. Are. Empty."

"… So?"

Sokka _almost_ replied, but thank Agni, Haru decided to join in on their conversation. He held a wooden bowl of some sort of thick, chunky stew-like… stuff.

Sokka sniffed. "Do you smell… meat?"

"Your abilities never cease to amaze me, Sokka."

Haru said, "Hey guys! What'cha doin'?"

Zuko glared evilly at the Water Tribe boy. "Well, _Sokka_ over here lost a baby platypus bear. We're trying to find him."

The Earthbender took a ginormous bite of stew. "Platypus bear? They're great in stew!" He looked into his bowl. "Wait… did you say platypus bear?" Haru got a constipated look on his face and ran off.

"Well, that went well."

"Did he look constipated to you?"

"Yeah, must've been the stew." Sokka and Zuko stared off into space like the brilliant geniuses they were. "Soo… I guess we look for Sponcho back at camp, right?"

"Dehr."

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The two men waltzed off to their Avatar Camp where they met up with Katara, Aang, and Toph. "Hey Zuko," Katara said, "did you see Haru? He just ran past here looking REALLY constipated."

"Yeah, must've been the stew."

Aang stared in awe. "That explains SO much."

Sokka grumbled and got right to the point. "Have you guys seen a baby platypus bear? His name is Sponch—"

A loud, obnoxious roar interrupted his speech. "ROOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!1!!" A huge, giant, ginormous, angry mother platypus bear burst through the shrubs surrounding camp.

"BLEATINGHOGMONKEYS, IT'SAPLATYPUSBEAR!!!!1!"

"No… Duh!"

The Water Tribesman and the Fire Prince screamed like the little girls they were and curled up in the fetal position. The platypus bear mommy stood over them menacingly, growled, and ate them.

(**A/N:** _KMXII:_ I don't know why, but we decided it would be more awesomer if the platypus bear's mom just charged in and ate them for no reason.

_3VAD:_ Yeah, and apparently her mouth is big enough so she didn't have to chew or anything.

_KMXII:_ …How'd she get Sokka's big head down her throat?

_3VAD:_ -.-)

**OK, outside the platypus bear…**

Aang, Katara, and Toph all stood outside the mommy. Someone coughed. Aang looked at Katara.

"Katara, your hair loopies are really hot. Wanna go make out behind some random shrub?"

"OK!" They trotted off happily and little hearts flew from their heads.

Toph licked her lips. And stood for a while. Then picked her nose and ate it. "I'm hungry," she said, and walked off to find something suitable (besides boogers) to eat.

**OK, inside the platypus bear…**

Zuko stared into gaping darkness. "… I blame you for this."

"Why is it always _my_ fault?!"

"Because it always IS!!"

"…" Sokka was quiet for a moment. "Hey Zuko, my foot feels all tingly."

"Oh, it's probably just being digested."

"GAAAAAAHHHH!!!1!!!1"

Zuko snickered. "What, you afraid you'll lose your foot 'er somethin'?"

"No… My head's getting tingly!!"

"Oh, well darn. I guess you'll be bald for the rest of your life."

"NOOO!! Curse you, acidic stomach juices!"

The Firebender outright laughed. "Hey, now you and Aang can make a club! It'll be the 'Baldies Club'!"

Sokka wished Zuko could see his evil glare of hatred. "I… loathe you."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

Silence prevailed.

"Soo… I guess we just wait until we pass out through the digestive tract…"

"Yeah, something like that."

Sokka's eye twitched. "NO, you idiot! We'll be dead by then!"

"Then why did you SUGGEST _IT_?!?!"

And then something completely random hit Sokka in the head like a bowling ball… like when Toph made him participate in her "fun little games"…

Haru.

Meat stew.

Haru said platypus bears made good stew.

Sponcho (equals) platypus bear.

Haru (equals) constipated look.

"HOLY CRAPMUFFINS, ZUKO!! HARU ATE SPONCHO!!!1! IN A STEW!!"

"NO! Everybody knows that platypus bear is better barbecued!! What a sin!"

Idiotic silence. Then, in unison, they said it: "_**SPONCHO!!!!!1!11!**_" Sokka sat down in the acidic stomach juices and cried like a little baby. Zuko stood off to the side and… did some… Firebending stuff. Point is, he got mad, and blew up the platypus bear.

Sokka stood up and watched as flaming pieces of meat fell out of the air. "Meat falls from the sky! It's a dream come true!!" He caught a piece of meat and took a huge bite of barbecued platypus bear.

Zuko rubbed his temples. "I cannot _believe_ we lost a baby platypus bear to Haru."

"I know!" Sokka shoved more barbecue into his mouth. "Looks like it's all _your_ fault."

**One horribly long, overkill argument later…**

Zuko and Sokka were wrestling on the ground like the manly men they were, shouting loud, intelligent insults at each other.

"You're stupid!"

"I hate your hair!!"

"What's wrong with my hair, PONYTAIL?!?"

"YOU SHUT UP OR I'LL SHOVE MY BOOMERANG UP YOUR—!!!1!!!!!1!"

Sokka and Zuko got quiet when they noticed Toph, Aang, and Katara staring at them.

"—nose. I will shove it up your nose." Sokka twitched. He got up and was brushing himself off when he saw Zuko pointing and snickering conspicuously at him. "Holy moly, what _now_?" Slowly, Sokka reached up a hand to his "tingly" head. It was shiny, and smooth.

"NOOOOO!!! My beautiful manly-man hair ponytail thing! It's gone FOREVER! I'm bald!" He hung his head in shame. "This sucks."

The Gaang snickered at him. "Yeah, sucks for _you_." Katara and Toph moved away, and Aang came up to Sokka and wrapped an arm around the older boy's shoulder. The Avatar patted Sokka's chest.

"Dude," he said, "chicks dig bald guys."

"… Please don't touch me."

Zuko faced the pair with a cheek-shattering grin plastered across his face. "Hey guys!" he shouted obnoxiously, "guess what I found?"

"A new doc to give you botox?"

"Your mom?"

"NO!" he shouted. "Although both of those things would be lovely… NO! I found—" the prince held out his cupped hands, "—a baby turtleduck!"

Sokka screamed like a rabid fangirl. "OMG it's so cute!"

"I know!"

"I _so_ wanna be the daddy!"

Zuko scoffed. "You? Why do _you_ get to be the daddy, Baldy?"

Aang facepalmed. "Agni."

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Post Authors' Notes:** Whoo! It's _finally_ over! XD However, I apologize if it wasn't as funny as the first chappie; Kiminator wasn't as involved in this chapter as she was before. Sorry. ): She's the one that comes up with all the hilarious randomness—I just write the stuff. I hope I did OK without KMXII looking over my shoulder and telling me how to make it funnier. STILL! You know the drill. 

READ!

REVIEW!

… and REPLY! Oh, and add to your Faves List if that's how you roll.

…

You know you do.

Laters, all!

-3VAD127 and Kiminator Mark XII


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